Beta = "5" (BFN?)

2008-12-22T15:51:00.000-08:00

A big fat 5. The clinic called and said, "it doesn't look good, but test again tomorrow so we can be sure". In a sense I'm relieved that its almost over. I can't help, but think about the three frozen embies, and wonder what to do with them. I guess in a way I feel beat up and defeated. My body is tired, & I'm emotionally drained. There is still a small hope that I will go in tomorrow to a Beta of may 10 or 50??? (Sounds crazy!!)

Waiting for the Mail

2008-12-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

So now I'm 8dpt...on the count down. Today we got the results in mail about our five Little one's that didn't make it to freezing. I was a bit resentful because they could have at called us and told us. On retrieval day they said three made it to be froze, and two transferred (five total). They said I would get a call about the other five because they wanted to wait until day 6 to see how they did (if they did well I would get a letter in the mail). So I waited. Checking the mail everyday, and eight days later no call just a letter. I guess it more about the lack service (I felt it was rude of them to just send a letter and no call about something so important. Didn't they know I nearly stood by the mail box for 8 days. I bet they didn't care.

Addicted to HPT's
I couldn't wait to take a HPT so 6dpt I tried (the lightest line you ever saw popped up, first response test). DH thought I was crazy because I made him stare at it for at least 10 minutes confirming what I saw. Not sure what it really means, but time will tell. I got a box of HPT with three test in it. I will take another one in the AM tomorrow, and the other right after I take my beta. I just can't see myself giving the nurse's at the clinic the chance to be the first to tell me anything (they got on my nerves during this process. Anyway I can't wait to go to sleep to wake up and test (Is it Christmas already). Yes I have OCD about this testing thing, even though I promised myself I wouldn't test. Oh well I guess promises do not out weigh the mother instinct.

IVF: The Liger Likeness

2008-12-14T12:34:00.000-08:00

"The liger is a cat born from the breeding of a male lion and a female tiger. This combination produces an offspring with more lionistic features. There is no scientific name assigned to this animal because of it’s human assisted ancestory. A liger looks like a giant lion with muted stripes but like their tiger ancestors, ligers like swimming. This goes against the nature of a lion but is what makes creature special. It gets the best of both parents".

The Reflection
A few months ago my 9 year old son came home thrilled, because of this new animal he learned about called the, "Liger". With his excitement we ran to the, "all knowing, all powerful" google to learn more of this animal. After reading multiple pages and learning of this animal, I grew to fall in love with it. I could feel the likeness in the experience we share. At that point of learning of the Liger I was 16 months into the all to familiar knowledge my of my husband's and I infertile bodies.

I identify with the Liger mainly because of the IVF process, compared to the human breeding of Ligers (sort similar, we just get to choose it). Also I have always been the one to define who I am, which has been difficult these days in a world were integration is only close to 44 years old. I am a black/and or African American Woman, married to a bi-racial male, who is not black at all. Here we are in the mist of attempting to produce a child/children in a world where tolerance and acceptance has only recently been in vogue. Can I get off my soap box now? At any rate we are hear and ready and willing to be who we are, while being proud of it. To be honest I didn't realize the IVF process would bring out issues of ethnicity and interracial marriage matters. About eight months ago during my IUI process my husband came to our clinic to see the ultrasound process (It was his first time). Every one was so sweet to us and explained the whole process (Of course I have been reading up on it for the last year or so). The next appointment which was a few days later I went alone. The nurse commented on my thoughts of the kind of child me and my husband would produce. My first thought was, "hopefully a healthy one". We conversed some more about the issue, and her last words during that conversation were, "mixed babies are the cutest". I left the clinic full of doubt and questions: Am I really that different? How will my child be treated, if I'm able to produce one? Maybe God doesn't want us to produce a child because of the struggles they will have? Do I really want to go through this process? Is this spiritually right? Will I be treated differently than other patients, who aren't of color, or in a mix raced marriage? Will my kid be cute? Do black people do this? Why don't other black infertile women have access? Should I be ashamed? Does anyone in this clinic look like me? And on and on and on. Thanks be to God that I was able to move through that and get the process underway.

The Present
I ran into a very dear friend recently, you can almost say we are, "sister's". You know the kind you don't have to see for six years, talk to on the phone or share email, or text, but you have a lasting bond that can never be broken? If you don't know, now you know it's possible (I'm truly blessed, as I know there are no accidents in life). She shared with her her significant milestones of her journey through infertility, and suggested I consider blogging, as it has been somewhat therapeutic to her process). Initially I thought I can't do that, I just spend about two-four hours a day cruising other peoples IVF experiences. I figured I was to busy waiting to hear about their experience instead of reflecting on my own (As well as the nurses phone calls). Well a big shift happened for me after retrieval, and here I am!!! And here it goes!!!!

The Journey
Jun 2005- Married the love of life, and wanted to make babies with him!
Aug 2005 -No babies Yet
Jan 2006-No babies Yet
Jun 2006-Relationship troubles started, with delays to the process due to insurance issues, (RE evaluation was completed none the less).
Sept 2006-DH diagnosed with low sperm count 6mil, IUI might work.
Jan. 2007-I was diagnosed with right tube blocked, We decided to take a break from it all and work on our relationship, while getting some insurance, and saving some money.
Mar 2008- Back on the horse (Lets get it crackin), starting preparing for IUI, found out more testing needed.
May 2008 -First IUI, BFN: DH sperm court 300,000 after wash. RE said to do a double IUI
Jun 2008-Second IUI, BFN: RE suggested and New HSG for me.
Aug 2008-I found out that both tubes were blocked, and IVF would be our best chance!!!
RE decided on Long Luteal Protocol IVF (where in the hell are we going to get the money-Cash in the stocks!!!).
Oct 2008-Started Birth Control
Nov 2008-Lupron 10 units, Antibiotic & Aspirin, 11/23/08 AF, 11/20 last Birth control pill.
Nov 27 -Stim day 1=225 follistim, 75 menopur, 5 Lupron.
Dec 3- Stim Day 7 dropped to 150 Follistim, 75 menopur, 5 Lupron (fear of OHSS)
Dec 5-Trigger Shot
Dec 7-Egg retrieval= 15 eggs total
Dec 8-Got the call that of the 15 eggs 11 were mature enough for ICSI. 10 eggs of the ICSI fertilized.
Dec 10-Went in for a 3 day transfer told to go home that all 10 eggs were grade AA (are these batteries or eggs?) and need more time to pick two, so 5 day transfer would be in order.
Dec 12-Transferred two grade AA eggs, three were good enough to frost, and the other five would be evaluated to frost on day 6 ( I should get a report in the mail in a week or so, Lets hope for at least three more frosties). I'm on Progesterone Shot (my husband hasn't seen this much booty since we first got married, Is this not the worlds biggest needle?), 2mg of Estradiol three times a day (why cant we double up?), and Aspirin until after the beta?
NOW: The dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT, beta scheduled for 12/22/08! Any suggestions on when I should take a HPT????

Lets not forget I'm a diabetic as well so this whole entire time I'm on insulin and metformin!!!!

(Man after re- telling the journey, I need a nap)

Future Updates
I am so new at this blogging business, but I will make an effort to update during this 2WW, as well as answering any unanswered questions you may have. I appreciate any and all support I get, Lord knows we all need it on this endless journey of infertility to motherhood.

IVF: Liger's Love Lounge

Beta = "5" (BFN?)

Waiting for the Mail

IVF: The Liger Likeness